…it’s starting to look like I’ll have no choice but to cast my ballot for The Human Cartoon Character come November.

For those of y’all who are wondering how I could do such a thing, let me lay out my thinking:

  • There is no way I am voting for Hillary Clinton, as she seems to radiate hatred towards people like me: Middle-age, lower-middle-class white dudes who’ve pretty much given up on the possibility that this country will ever care about us again, so all we ask is to just be left alone. Sorry, I am just not going to vote for someone who gives every indication that she thinks I would be worth more to this country if I volunteered to be processed into fertilizer.
  • I’m not voting for Bernie Sanders, either. Now, I don’t get the feeling that Sanders hates me — hell, he’d probably pay off my student loans if he could get Congress to go along, and while I’m no socialist, there’s no world in which I would turn down that deal. But even if Sanders won, his “free shit for everybody” plans wouldn’t have a prayer, and at any rate, I’m not casting my vote for a guy who thinks the wrong side won the Cold War.
  • If the GOP establishment tries the third-party gambit, I’m not going for that, either. All that would do is reward the screw-ups who allowed an idiot like Donald Trump to gain a foothold in the first place. Sorry, but those ass clowns must be made to pay a price for their failure.

Assuming he’s the Republican nominee, that leaves me with Trump. Now, Trump is emphatically not my guy. I do not think Donald Trump is remotely qualified to be president of the United States. As far as I can tell, his only good points are that he’s generally right on immigration and he doesn’t see me as a piece of garbage — or if he does, he’s very good at pretending otherwise.

But here’s the thing, Mr. Establishment Republican: Whether Trump wins or loses, that is a price I can pay. Clearly it’s not a price you can pay, to which I say — gosh, maybe you should have thought about that before, huh? Maybe you should have whipped out your spreadsheet and run the numbers on that. Maybe you should have asked yourself three months ago “what’s the most I am willing to give up to prevent this Trump shit-storm?”, and then quickly locked in those terms, because a contract signed today is better than a promise of one tomorrow.

I pointed out in a post last July that the GOP establishment should have realized early on with Trump that they were negotiating with people who were holding a gun pointed at their head, who were calmly explaining that they weren’t afraid to pull the trigger. Guess they didn’t think those folks were serious. Guess they thought that gun wasn’t loaded. That’s not a bet I would have made, but hey, I’m not the one with all the money, so clearly YOU are the smart ones here.

I have no illusions about Trump. I don’t doubt for a second he’s gonna sell me out at some point down the road. But if he’s the nominee, what’s my alternative? What have I got to lose? What, is my stock portfolio gonna take a big hit? I don’t have a stock portfolio. Am I gonna have to pay more for shoes because Trump’s gonna start a trade war? Fine, I’ll take the shoes I have now to a cobbler. Cobblers still exist, you know. Maybe a Trump presidency will mean those guys can start getting decent work. You seem to be under the mistaken impression that I don’t have a really shitty deal right now, and that I am terrified that it could get a lot shittier. Nope.

Explain to me what my downside here is — or at least explain how it will be appreciably worse than whatever I would get under a Clinton or a Sanders administration (because let’s face it, third-party Jeb isn’t going anywhere). What, is Trump gonna wreck the whole economy? Explain how a guy with actual, real-world business experience is gonna mess things up worse than Obama, Sanders, or Clinton — three people who probably haven’t had a real job since they were teenagers.

Is Trump gonna get us into a war? Trump seems to get along just fine with Vladimir Putin, who seems to be happy bombing the crap out of ISIS by himself. And China is all bark and no bite. They’re surrounded on all sides by people who hate them with the intensity of a thousand suns, and they’ve never won a war that mattered. I have little fear that a basket case nation like Iran might try to provoke a regional confrontation with somebody as unpredictable as Trump. As far as terrorism goes: If you were ISIS, would you want to gamble on launching a major attack on a country governed by a nutjob with nukes?

I have no doubt a Trump presidency will cause a whole hell of a lot of problems for people who have a hell of a lot more to lose than I do. But see, that’s why you don’t create a society where such a huge chunk of voters have no real stake in anything. If things go to shit, then hey, it’s no skin off my back.

You know, I’m still alive here, and I can still vote. I do not cease existing just because you find my existence inconvenient. If you can’t stand Trump, then hey, maybe next time you’ll bother to consult Republicans like me. That alone is all the reason I need to vote for Trump.

What do YOU have to offer me? Or to put it another way:

office space


One thought on “Welp…

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